Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Principles of life

* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.

* You would achieve more,
if you don't mind who gets the credit.

* When everything else is lost,
the future still remains.

* Don't fight too much.
or the enemy would know your art of war.

* The only job you start at the top is
when you dig a grave.

* If you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for everything.

* If you do little things well,
you'll do big ones better.

* Only thing that comes to you without effort
is old age.

* You won't get a second chance
to make the first impression.

* Only those who do nothing
do not make mistakes.

* Never take a problem to your boss
unless you have a solution.

* If you are not failing,
you're not taking enough risks.

* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.

* If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

* Those who don't make mistakes
usually don't make anything

* There are two kinds of failures.
Those who think and never do,
and those who do and never think.

* Pick battles big enough to matter,
small enough to win.

* All progress has resulted from
unpopular decisions.

* Change your thoughts and you change your world.

* Understanding proves intelligence,
not the speed of the learning.

* There are two kinds of fools in this world.
Those who give advise
and those who don't take it.

* The best way to kill an idea
is to take it to a meeting.

* Management is doing things right.
Leadership is doing the right things.

* Friendship founded on business
is always better than
business founded on friendship.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

By all means marry...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage,
husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other,
but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds
that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband.......
when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war
where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Monday, January 14, 2008

Missile Impossible

I received the following in my mail from a friend today. Hilarious. Read on...


During the Cold War, if
USA launched a nuke-loaded missile,

Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds

and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario.................

But if there is a nuclear war between
India and Pakistan...

Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don't need any permission from their government, and
promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President
forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, b ut due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.
In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,
a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.

A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says
the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the
emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off,
but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.

In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in the flight.

Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as
preparations begin, 'pro-humanity', 'anti-nuclear' activists come out against the Government's decision.

Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.
From the US endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning 'Please forward it to as many Indians as possible'.

On the
Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.

Many of them land in the
Indian Ocean killing some fish.

A missile (smuggled from
USA ) is pressed into service.

Since the
Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia .

Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has
happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

India never gets to launch the missile.

Pakistan never gets it right.

we all live happily ever after

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A billion is so small after all!!!

The next time you hear a politician use the
word "billion" in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the "politicians" spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our (US) government is spending it.