I bet you are not this intelligent!!

If you ever feel a little bit stupid just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17 1994 Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever would you and why ?
Answer: 'I would not live forever because we should not live forever because If we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey


'Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life'
-- Brooke Shields during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .


'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body'
--Winston Bennett University of Kentucky basketball forward.


'Outside of the killings Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country'
--Mayor Marion Barry Washington DC .


'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .


'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark


'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore Vice President


'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle


'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca


'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman ROTC Instructor .


'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
-- Department of Social Services Greenville South Carolina


'Traditionally most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery


'If somebody has a bad heart they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning when they wake up dead there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler FCC Chairman

Amul butter girl’s comments and the context in which they were made:

‘Forget oil-for-food, try maska’ - when the Iraq food scandal that eventually cost then external affairs minister Natwar Singh his job was ruling the headlines

‘Taj Mall’ - when the controversial realty project near Taj Mahal was okayed by UP chief minister Mayawati

‘JaiL-alitha!’ - when Tamil Nadu chief minister Jayalalitha was imprisoned

‘Fodder of the Nation’ - over the fodder scam that rocked Bihar during Lalu’s regime

‘Be Indian, bye Indian’ - when reforms opened the gates for Coca-Cola and Pepsi

‘Out Of Commission’ - Bofors issue

Scrabble!!!

This has got to be one of the most clever e-mails I've received in awhile.

Someone out there either has too much

spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay

too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!

DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

Principles of life

* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.

* You would achieve more,
if you don't mind who gets the credit.


* When everything else is lost,
the future still remains.



* Don't fight too much.
or the enemy would know your art of war.


* The only job you start at the top is
when you dig a grave.


* If you don't stand for something,
you'll fall for everything.


* If you do little things well,
you'll do big ones better.


* Only thing that comes to you without effort
is old age.


* You won't get a second chance
to make the first impression.


* Only those who do nothing
do not make mistakes.


* Never take a problem to your boss
unless you have a solution.


* If you are not failing,
you're not taking enough risks.


* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.


* If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.


* Those who don't make mistakes
usually don't make anything


* There are two kinds of failures.
Those who think and never do,
and those who do and never think.


* Pick battles big enough to matter,
small enough to win.


* All progress has resulted from
unpopular decisions.


* Change your thoughts and you change your world.


* Understanding proves intelligence,
not the speed of the learning.

* There are two kinds of fools in this world.
Those who give advise
and those who don't take it.


* The best way to kill an idea
is to take it to a meeting.


* Management is doing things right.
Leadership is doing the right things.


* Friendship founded on business
is always better than
business founded on friendship.

By all means marry...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage,
husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other,
but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi


If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds
that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband.......
when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war
where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Missile Impossible

I received the following in my mail from a friend today. Hilarious. Read on...

----------------------------------

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile,

Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds

and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario.................

But if there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan...

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don't need any permission from their government, and
promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President
forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, b ut due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.


Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,
a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.

A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says
the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the
emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off,

but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.

In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in the flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as
preparations begin, 'pro-humanity', 'anti-nuclear' activists come out against the Government's decision.

Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.

From the US endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning 'Please forward it to as many Indians as possible'.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.

Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fish.

A missile (smuggled from USA ) is pressed into service.

Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia .

Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has
happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile.

Pakistan never gets it right.

And

we all live happily ever after

A billion is so small after all!!!

The next time you hear a politician use the

word "billion" in a casual manner, think about

whether you want the "politicians" spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of its releases.


A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our (US) government is spending it.