Football Math

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Ask the Genie intelligently

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars."

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Intelligent Dog

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless.

That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Managers are always like this!!

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape. They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walk over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault with you".

Tell me your name?

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me."

Marriage!!

A mouse was dancing & enjoying heartly.

An Elephant seeing this, asked the mouse,

"Hey Buddy, Why are you dancing & enjoying so much" ?

Mouse : My brother is getting married !

Elephant : But that is a Lion, getting married !

Mouse : Yes....but I too was, before I got married !

Son-raising

To understand this joke, you should know Telugu language. Some famous cinema actors and their sons' nicknames.

01. Chiru's Son : Chirutha
02. Venkatesh's Son : Vudutha
03. Balakrishna's Son : Budatha
04. Mahesh Babu's Son : Midatha
05. Pavan's Son : Pidatha

Nuts!!

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

The height of madness?

A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.

His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.

After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?”

“Yes I do” the man replied.

“Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”

You can't take on a Hyderabadi, even if you are Bill Gates!!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Vella Reddy an Indian (Hyderabadi ) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Reddy turns to the other candidate and says 'ellaa vunnavu babu'
The other candidate answers 'baguunanu babu '

English prudery

A joke as told by OSHO:
------------------------------

A Frenchman was staying in England, and a friend asked him how he was getting on. He said he was doing very well, except for one thing. "When I go to a party, the hostess, she does not tell me where is the pissoir."

"Ah, Georges, that's just our English prudery. Actually, she will say, 'Do you want to wash your hands?' And that means the same thing."

The Frenchman made a mental note of this, and the next time he went to a party, sure enough the hostess asked him, "Good evening, Mr. Du Pont, do you want to wash your hands?"

"No thank you, Madame, said Georges. "I have just washed them up against the tree in the front garden."

Right to emergency care

A friend of mine has forwarded the following message. I think it is an important message that each one of us should take note of. Many a time we are afraid of helping accident victims or some others just because we are too afraid of the police formalities. The Supreme Court seems to have come to our rescue in such situations. Read on...

Date Of Judgment: 23/02/2007.
Case No.: Appeal (civil) 919 of 2007.

The Supreme Court has ruled that all injured persons especially in the case of road traffic accidents, assaults, etc., when brought to a hospital / medical centre, have to be offered first aid, stabilized and shifted to a higher centre / government centre if required. It is only after this that the hospital can demand payment or complete police formalities. In case you are a bystander and wish to help someone in an accident, please go ahead and do so. Your responsibility ends as soon as you leave the person at the hospital.

The hospital bears the responsibility of informing the police, first aid, etc.

Please do inform your family and friends about these basic rights so that we all know what to expect and what to do in the hour of need. Please not only go ahead and forward, use it too!!!!

Computers

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

Gimme my money!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Want leave from work?

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

As we grow old it is better we are deaf?

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"