Funny Exam Answers

No matter how far our exams are dumbed down, it seems it's not far enough for today's pupils.
But rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some decide to take a more creative approach to their answers.
After scouring exam papers and speaking to teachers, humorist Richard Benson has collected the worst student howlers in a new book.
You won't know whether to laugh - or cry.

When Insults Had Class ...

Glorious insults from an era when four letter words were not used in public!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

"If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

"If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike

and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;

I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.."

- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;

bring a friend.... if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you;

it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man

and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness.

Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself;

he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts....... for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening

but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx